relationship Archives - Expressions on E
How many of us remain friends with our exes? Admittedly it’s very tough and from the time breakup happens, there’s this unspoken length of time before that person’s name can be uttered without conjuring a rant storm. I call this period “After the Fire”.
My time is anywhere between a year and two years. It isn’t healthy to be around your ex right after a breakup because the likelihood of ending up in bed with them is pretty good – or in some cases wrecking their house, but that’s another story. That love you had is gone at least from one side of the equation, and hard feelings are what is left over. It can be difficult to cope.
Think of all the questions that run through your mind during this time, and the conclusion you have to draw is that it doesn’t matter anymore. It’s over. This would be an opportune time for a drink to swallow that nasty jagged pill (thanks Alanis).
But you see, it’s not really over. Chances are that you have mutual friends that you are still going to hang out with and the possibility of you seeing the ex is good. Then what? Don’t ask your friends to choose “sides”; that’s just childish. What you can do is talk with them and let them know you don’t feel comfortable with the ex around. You may have to eat some group events for a bit, but hopefully said friends aren’t douchebags and respect your feelings. I cannot underscore how important friends are in the recovery process. Believe me, I would still be a mess today if I didn’t have support.
It is very much possible to be friends with an ex, but sure that line is crystal clear. And remember: if you ever get that inkling of wanting to try a relationship with them again, recall the reasons why you broke up in the first place. Got that unsettling feeling I’m your stomach? Good. That should cool your amorous intentions.
Cardinal rule of relationships: Exes are exes for a reason.
Those of you that are familiar with Japanese R&B may recall the title of this post is from one of Ken Hirai’s albums. It seemed am appropriate moniker for what I’m about to discuss here.
As you know, I constantly talk about relationships and the dynamic between men and women. There comes a point in any relationship – committed or no – when something changes. Most of the time you are familiar with what that is. It could be falling in love, falling out of love, wanting to get married, or even have a baby. Something changes your desires or needs. Why do we females tend to not speak up and make these wants known? What holds us back, makes our breath catch in our throats?
Fear. So powerful an emotion that it can either help or hurt us.
I’ve been in this position many times, and often I waited until it was too late to say something. Women are inherently intuitive, almost psychic sometimes, but they don’t trust their first instincts. I’m guilty of this too.
However, men are quite simple when it comes to these matters and operate with little subterfuge. Whatever they don’t say is always for a specific reason.
Hence, the “changing same”: when things are different, but one doesn’t say or discuss that change. You continue on as normal, but really, in the background, things are different somehow. This syndrome is symptomatic of many a relationship. It can be a relationship killer for that matter.
Taking a risk on relationship means facing the possibility of rejection, of that dreaded “no”. It is also an opportunity for a “yes”. You simply don’t know. At the end of the day, you have to be true to yourself and your feelings. Do you really believe in what you want, in that thing that has changed? Then stand by it and face the risk head on. Your self-worth does not hinge upon that answer, but if you don’t get it out into the open, you will eventually pop.
Don’t let things get to that point. Stay true to yourself and your heart.